For. Ashleigh.

I have copied this from my other blog so that you can see it on either just in case you venture upon my ramblings again, I hope you read this but I can't make you, and I know once you have made your mind up it can't be changed but I would rather you know the reasons why I am how I am.

Here I am, opening up and trying to explain some of my less than normal quirks. So here goes. If you know me you know that when I was growing up I was involved in a fire, our wooden shed was set alight whilst I was in it, I got out unhurt physically, mentally I'm a little damaged from it, yeah I now have a fairly good respect for fire and messed up claustrophobia unless I am upside down. Ever since then I have some really bad, not so much panic attacks, but more like scared moments where I get a little too comfortable in a place. I need to get outside and just clear my head. Now if you didn't know that its because I don't often feel safe enough to tell people, but as I am in trouble now for being scared I figured you should all know.
Right on to another quirk, I don't say bye when on the phone, yeah that is kind of rude. And I am sorry if it offends, but the word bye scares the crap out of me. Its a final thing. You say bye I think you aren't going to be coming back, yeah maybe its a little stupid but people often say bye and then leave, forever. Not to return. So I don't say bye to people, not family, not to friends, hell not even to customers when I am at work, just in case they don't come back. If people don't come to buy stuff then I am out of a job. That scares me too.
But I can't tell you that to your face, not because I don't have the balls to do that, but because then you don't look at me the same way, you no longer have the smile on your face, you see me as a scared little kid. A kid that I have tried to leave so very far behind. So far behind that I don't get to see him that often, but to be as vulnerable as that again is something I can't do. Yeah I'm scared but not of the things you would expect, but the little things that I shouldn't be scared of, things like my past, and losing people that I care about, and even if you don't think or feel that I do, I care about you enough to not see me as that scared little kid.

I'm sorry I know that doesn't mean much and you don't have to accept it but if I get to see you again I'd like to tell you to your face that I am sorry.