Fair't. Middling.

NOt sure how well that phrase is known around the world but it basically means round-a-bout average. I sums me up quite well. I aren't that athletic, or good looking or even that good of a person. In all off these I would class myself as fair t' middling. Its a posistion I have grown up in. I have never been the biggest or brightest, I was always inbetween, it worked. I am still around otherwise how would I be writing this? But now that I have reached a ripe old age I am starting to realise that average isn't what people want. People always want more. More of everything. So the average joe doesn't stand a chance. You may think that I am being all melodramatic but take a look around, you can see it everywhere. Sadly I don't see this changing any time soon. People in general cannot help themselves if there is something slightly better on offer then they want it. I for one can't fault that attitude, it makes sense get the best you can with what you have got. Sometimes though in some areas of life you won't ever get the best but what you get can be the best you ever have.
I like people, sorry forget that I like strangers is the more apt way of phrasing it. Strangers judge on what they can see as it is all they have to judge by and boy do people like to judge. I don't make a good first impression with the way I look but I would class myself as a decent person. I can make anyone feel good about themselves, and make people feel welcome, a phenomenon I don't often get to see from the other side.
I have learnt to not show much emotion, not because its a sign of weakness but because if people see you sad then they ask why, and I don't need people reminding me that I aren't the happiest of bunnies, I do like to smile though. Lots of people don't see me smile that much because I am apparently quite a miserable person. Bu I know what I like and want in life. I want to be wanted, not to be needed. I have skills that I use to make other peoples lives easier and I am always willing to help in any way that I possibly can. Although there is a fine line to walk in this respect, you can be the guy who sorts everything out for everyone else (commonly known as a MUG) or you can be the friend. and thats what annoys me.

Chapter THE Ex

I shared a theory before that no matter what goes on in life there will always be one person who you class as a mistake, not when you are with them but its when you break up that you truly see them for who they are, I have asked quite a few friends about it and they all have one, it isn’t fair to them to write what they have told me about their respective ex’s but I figure it is a big enough deal to share with you so here is the story of my one.

I once thought I was truly in love, it was a relationship of just over two years, she meant everything to me. So when she suggested we move in together you can just imagine how happy I was. Blinded by happiness I had agreed, I knew her family and got on quite well with all of them, our relationship was the happiest I had been in my entire life. Moving in together was a logical step. We both had jobs, or so I thought at the time, and were financially stable I had a decent amount in my savings account and worked thirty hours a week for a decent wage and tended bar on a night. I was happy, I thought that this was everything I wanted in life so I willingly put down a large security deposit, large because of my age and it was my first place and we moved in. I had furniture but not much stuff, things like cushions and ornaments weren’t really something I had ever seen myself buying, but to make it more home like we furnished the place spending roughly three thousand on furniture and the like. I brought my prized possession , my bookcase, it may not sound that important but it was the contents that mattered to me, I had over thirty copies of “A Tale Of Two Cities” no two were the same some were in foreign languages some had been in my possession since I was around 13 when I first read the book. I will admit that not one of the was particularly expensive but it meant everything to me as one of my best friends who has since died bought me some of them and written in the front of them messages to me.

I never realised until we moved in together how little time we had spent with each other, that might sound silly but I was working quite a lot so as to keep up with the rent and food(which I didn’t realise how much we were going through) So I was working from eight in the morning til three in the afternoon Monday to Friday and then out again for ten at night until sometimes four in the morning, I was happy doing this as it was the reason I could afford to move out from my parents and live with what I thought was he love of my life. However when one of my friends asked if he could chat at mine I thought yeah its ok its probably that he wants help with his relationship as mine looked pretty darn great from where I was standing. This friend who doesn’t want to be named is a good friend and I had known him for years and trusted him dearly took me to lunch so we could chat, so over a slice of cheese on toast my world was shattered, there was no way it could have been done gently so he came out and said it. He told me he had slept with my girlfriend.

Of course this was all my friends fault, no way would my partner ever do something like that. She loved me, she told me every day that she loved me. She just couldn’t do anything so heinous so after sitting there dumbfounded for a few minutes he expected me to hit him or something, I just stood up and left him to pay for lunch. I don’t get angry about it anymore as few people know what happened next. I went back to my place and sat on the floor staring up at the ceiling trying to work out what to do next, after something as crushing as that what can you do? I wanted to speak to her, but she was at work until five so I had a couple of hours to get my head straight and have a calm conversation with her about it totally prepared to forgive her as it was still all my friends fault he must of got her drunk or something.

When I went to the kitchen area to get a glass of water things didn’t seem quite right, if she loved me why hadn’t she told me about it she knew I would of forgiven her in a heartbeat and probably ended up blaming myself. After all we hadn’t had sex, we both agreed it was better to wait until we were ready. Her suggestion and I agreed to it, I as have stated I thought it was love and I was willing to do anything to make her happy. So halfway through my glass I had all these images running through my head of what I had done wrong and how I could fix it, with all these things running through my head I hadn’t noticed a friend of mine walking into the kitchen completely naked. A strange occurrence I am sure you will agree. That was the one thing I hadn’t seen coming, I went to our bedroom and found her in bed all sweaty and hot. Knowing that she wouldn’t do anything to urt me I asked if she was ok. What I got in reply I hadn’t expected.

In her sex comatose state of mind she actually told me to get back in bed with her as she only had a couple of hours before I was due home. She actually used my name. Surely this would be enough to get me irate but no I said that I was already home, in fact it was me that she was talking to, still calm I asked her to get dressed so we could talk about it. She agreed. Within ten minutes she was dressed, her hair in a styled state and lipstick on and in her “work gear”. This should have been a clue, she had lost her job around a month ago, or atleast that’s what she told me. And with all that spare time she suddenly had there was nothing to do. I was always working and had no time for her (her words not mine) and she needed some satisfaction as she had tried to get a job and there were none available anywhere(again her words). She then tried to explain that this made her feel alive and wanted, and that this was a one time thing and it would never happen again. So I asked her about what had happened with my friend(the one I had met for lunch) and she had her story all set out, they had met up one night to talk about what to get me for my birthday as I was quite difficult to buy for, and he had plied her with drinks until she couldn’t even remember where she was. That I knew was a lie, my friend couldn’t even afford to get himself drunk let alone someone else also. I knew she was a proper drinker and would take almost £80 in a bar to get drunk as we had been out drinking together quite a few times. But I let her carry on with this story to see if she was finally going to be honest with me, but then she sat next to me and started kissing my neck(my weak spot in case you are interested) and telling me that she loved me and if I loved her then we could still make us work.

Me in my innocence of youth believed her, after all this was love we were talking about. Around a week later I got a bank statement through the post, knowing that I had sufficient funds to cover the rent and all our other outgoings I didn’t feel any need to open until I got back from work, but when I had arrived back after a short shift which I had been doing for nearly a week as I couldn’t stay focussed at work I went home, I found a letter from the landlord explaining that we were behind on the rent, only by a month so only £1200 it was fine, I had easily enough to cover that I could get it to him by the next day. All was okay until I looked for the letter from the bank, I searched high and low for it. As I was worried that it could be being used to steal my identity, (yeah for a young guy I was quite aware of what could happen) I rang work to see if I had taken it there, I had my friend check my locker and it wasn’t there, for all I knew my entire life savings could be being gien to a Nigerian prince or one of these other online scams you hear about. I ran to the bank to report it and get my accounts blocked. Little did I know that there was no need, my bank account had already been emptied, the only other person who knew my pin number was my trustworthy girlfriend who could do no wrong. By the time I had got home the locks had been changed. I got the landlord to let me in after explaining that I must of somehow locked myself out. Everything of mine was ruined. She had taken a hammer to my bookcase and poured all her nail varnish over all my books and given away most of my records. This would have been bad enough but to then find her in bed with a different “friend” of mine I left. Keys in one hand my phone in the other I dropped them on the bed next to her and said my goodbyes, after being taken for a mug for almost three years by this point I just wanted out. I couldn’t do it anymore I would have done anything for her. As I left the room she ran up to me and told me I couldn’t leave her as she was pregnant with our baby, a last gambit as she knew there was nothing I wanted more than to have a family. But we hadn’t had sex for over six months so it couldn’t possibly be mine so I left. I told the landlord to keep the deposit to cover that months rent and for damages to the property and I just left. Since then it has been almost another three years I had gone without ever seeing her again. The relationship cost me everything, most of my friends who when they fond out that she was pregnant thought that I was the bad guy for walking out on her, all my savings, nearly £20,000, my books and worst of all my dignity. From then on she has just been known as the ex.

Since her I have never felt able to trust anyone who told me they loved me, as I never did get over what she did to me, my family couldn’t help and the few friends I still had didn’t know what to do so they were around. I have since started to trust people more but not when it comes to relations of the heart, I tried to rebuild some friendships I lost but that was in vain and I have only felt comfortable letting a handful of people into my life and even then I don’t let most of them know about what happened as it was essentially my fault for believing that someone could actually make me happy.

Now I hope that hasn’t made you feel all guilty or upset because there is a happy ending to this tale, for you see since then I haven’t got my money back, which doesn’t really intrest me, and the friends I lost weren’t really that good as friends, and yes I still live with my folks but I have found someone that does make me happy its just I haven’t worked up the courage to tell her this yet.