Crushed. Bubble.

A new blog and a change of text, so here it is, saturday night. I'm sat on an uncomfy sofa wrapped in a blanket (not because I'm cold but it saves me putting on a pair of pants)And I have blown it. I found what I saw as perfection and then realised it was a hope of a dream. Someone who got me. My dress sense, my ecclectic musical taste, my dry and sometimes dark sense of humour. Whoa slow down Garry! I'm not telling the full story here, and that is at least what you deserve to hear. So lets start anew.

Hi, how are you? Good me too! So the pleasantries are now out the way. I have been pining for someone for about a year. I like being single but I would love to have someone to share my life with that I don't have to pay(not prostitutes I am referring to my shrink). So after a couple of months I became enticed by someone. Ok thats not fair to you either, hows about a special someone, yeah thats better. A special someone, with brown hair and a cute laugh. Thats all I got from first impressions, yeah really blokey aren't I?(For any blokes out there imagine someone with huges boobs and then you might carry on actually reading) So ten months, sounds like a long time really doesn't it. Its not. ten months and she had wriggled her way into my bubble.Please refer to a previous post if you don't know what I mean by this. I could be miserable and then think of her and instantly smile, thats quite a feat when you consider how indifferent I am. I thought about her when I was glum, she featured in my daydreams. But now I have got her in trouble and I actually feel guilty, thats huge for me. The worst part is she considers us friends. Not normally a bad thing but I cannae do it. Everytime I see her I think what could be and now it won't. This is why I have my bubble, it protects me from all this, and the first time anyone has managed to be included in it and I get crushed. Guess instead of having a bubble I should just block out everything. Switch off and ignore.

Complete. Failure.

If I had one problem that I were to describe as my biggest failing, I would say its my imagination. I have this world created in my mind where nothing revolves around me but around the people I care about, now they were affectionally known as the clan. The clan happened to be mainly female and absolutely stunning, and I was proud to be able to class them as friends. Since the days of the clan I have found my self consistantly stuck in a area similar to the friendzone but its not been friendship, not even lust, more a case of dependance. I depend on people who constantly let me down but because they have been put on a pedestal in my mind they can do no wrong. So I no longer drink or smoke, and as a result I have started seeing people for who they are and not what I want them to be. Needless to say the clan disbanded, collectively owing me around 5k. It sounds pricey but its nothing when it has got them out of my life and shown that I canne trust them.

So now I am an emotional wreck, I don't enjoy those big events in life, you know birthdays christmas, and of course the most important, births. What I do still enjoy is the way my mind can create a scenario where things go right, a place where the people I find my self falling for actually have an intrest in me. HA! It doesn't happen, I fall for someone and then I get crushed, making me want to start drinking again.

Alas the only way I have found to solve this dilemma is to get rid, switch off, and generally shut down. So for that person whom I suspect knows who she is this is goodbye.