Let. Down.

not again

Some. Time.

Well its been quite some time since I had the flow to type a blog, its nothing personal but I'm back and with all those things you love about me and more of the things you hate. Now I guess you are considering stopping reading this, but if you can just take a deep breath and settle yourself. I mean this is meant to be a happy occasion.
S0 happy times are around the corner and as such I am in a fairly good mood, for once, I have the playlist back so I am back to crying out the acid. The best part of that is you, the reader are featured on it! Which is what I use to get myself through the day. Oh and I have been writing and reading a lot more, so I need recommendations for things to read so in the stylings of the ghetto where I grew up, "hook a brother up".

Oh. Kay.

Well I haven't been on here in quite some time, not suprising really considering what has been going on. My head is full of colours flying around in one big sticky gooey mess. Its been quite awkward, there have been deaths, funerals and heartbreak. I don't want people to know which important person in my life has died but if you know who then obviously you have spoken to me. I aren't a fan of funerals but I always try to go to them. It's not the fact that the family are all together but the fact that you get closure. Well that leaves the heartbreak, all I can say it involved me and one of the people I hold closest. This should be the last of my blogs on here. I have my mlog now so that is quickly becoming my journal, my diary, and the only place I record my thoughts.

Not. Sure.

I really aren't sure what I want from life, I know what I'd like, but not what I want. I mean I know the one person that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with but I am to afraid to act on it.But then again the day can only get better, maybe not in the way I want it to but in one way.

No.Bed.

So, here we are again several revolutions of the planet since I last felt the need to blog, and now I am back with a head full of ideas and a mouth full of sarcasm. Well there is a suprise, its around late lunch time but I already ate so I am in my room. Now I'll be honest with you my room is cluttered, not like lived in but rammed full of stuff and junk. It needs sorting out again which is what I should be doing now but instead I'mhere talking to all the people who ever read this, I would like you all to give yourselves a pat on the back and a round of applause or if you are to embarrassed to do that then just pretend you did, if you aren't sure why you should do what this person says then don't worry about it but know that by reading this you have actually brightened my day. For you see this is more of a journal with public access than a blog. Blogs are so impersonal, yeah you can change colours and styles but when you get down to it it will look like someone else'. That is why mine has no fancy graphics on it, surely if you know about this place you know I aren't the biggest fan of cameras but I do like words. Ok so now I am rambling on, I do that quite often if you didn't already know.
I have a new project! I like to keep my mind occupied so I learn or read when there is nothing else to do, basically anything that could make me a better person. But this is beside the point, I'm on days this week, I like days it means I get to see the more glamorous side of my workplace, if you aren't sure what I mean by that I suggest you see who I work with, mainly hairy/smelly guys. So being surrounded by scents of ocean breezes and what I presume to be a kind of flower is actually quite nice. Its even better when I get to hang out with certain people, I hope you can guess who!?! So yeah back to this project, I need to come across a bed, a double bed, I can either make one or buy one. I aren't that unskilled. I want to get a really nice one as it is for a friend but then again is that being too generous? Either way I'm only screwing over one person in the end, and that person would be me(just for the record I don't mean masturbating). Although I would do anything for this friend just as long as I got to see her smile, its wicked bonny and if she knows this she could end up taking advantage of that but I hope she is decent enough to not ruin me, and if she could throw in a hug and a toffee crisp then that would be worthy of anything I have to give.
Maybe one day I'll work out if its the idea of her that I'm falling in love with or her.

As a wise person once told me you can't get everything in life but all that matters is happiness! So lets just hope I can make her happy.

Spoilt. Brat.

When you read this next sentance you'll understand the title. Ever since I was little (or littler seeing as though I aren't very tall now) I have got everything I have ever wanted. The latest toy, CD or nowadays games. Its not that my family have money to spend on me because in all honesty we are skint as a whole, the one thing I can do though is graft, even when I was six I would do my brothers paper-round for him and keep the money, it did take ages as I could barely lift the bag but I still did it, by the time I reached ten years old I had one hundred pounds in the bank, now that might not seem like much but I earned every penny. I have been working since then, not like doing chores around the house but going down my street gardening and washing windows for my neighbours normally for chocolate but sometimes I got the occasional fifty pence. When most of my friends where being bought football shirts for their favourite team I was wearing any old Tshirt not because I couldn't afford one or because I couldn't get into town to buy myself one, it was a case of I worked hard for my money and didn't see the point in wasting it on something I was going to grow out of within a couple of months. I was a fairly savvi kid. An upbringing like that may seem a little sad to some of you who have parents who take care of you. Like some of your dads might of taken you to a park to play on the swings or to kick a ball around, I didn't get that I would be taken to my dad's office, to do maths, I have a really mathmatical brain I like to work things out, I'm actually quite good at it aswell. So I used to get a couple of quid for doing that so I never really stopped working, even when I went through school I would be at school all day then go home and act as a receptionist for my dad, answering the phone and taking messages for which I recieved twenty pence for each call I took. I didn't get much of a childhood but what I did get was an understanding of the world. And I hate to break it to you but it does only turn because of money.
Because I understood so much of life before I had left school when my friends would be asked what they wanted to be it was always a footballer or doctor, something highly paid. I opted for another route, I wanted to be a jack of all trades. I am skilled with my hands, I can draw, carve, build, organize in fact I can probably do anything if I put my mind to it. I've never found anything that has gazzumped me, seriously nothing at all, well apart from people. I never have understood people. Like when you're little you don't want to kiss girls and then all of a sudden you do, I understand the biology behind it just not why it happens. Or even the fact that when you are young you trust everyone, then you hit an age and you trust noone. The one thing I have never understood though is how people stay in a relationship even though the person they are with are a violent alcoholic, they get beaten up or hit and then they don't leave the person because they love them, how is that love? Even still though I'll be there for those people, because its what I do, I look after people, as long as that person is not myself.

Someone. Help.

Ok my head hurts, not sure why, it could be because I kinda punched myself in the head. Not on purpose it just fell onto my fist as I was kinda sleepy. Believe it or not thats not why I need help!
Recently I have been taking a look at myself, both literally and metaphorically, I am actually trying to be a better person, in any way possible, I have started dressing more appropriately so no more boardshorts and top hats for a li'l while or until I slip back into my comfort zone. I have even been being sociable (I hate that word it always looks like I spelt it incorrectly) talking to old friends and making new ones, well one really, I figure its about time I grow up, my life is starting to so I may aswell not drag my heels and look upon this as a new experience. I like what I am, its kinda reclusive and maybe a little doogie howser-ish. (hope you get the reference if not then thats what google is for!) But it pays the bills and gets me through day to day and it gives me time to constantly update my little slice of headspace. (a.k.a. this blog)just in case you didn't guess) So yeah I am a decent person, I aren't overly good or bad I have a ok balance between the two, and from being like that I have a small group of friends, well more than two hands worth. Its often noticed how I treat the friends I have very well, almost to the point of family. I help out when they need money or a place to crash or numerous other things that a friend should do, its writen in the code of friendship. So I am basically there when anyone needs anything even if it means putting myself at great risk, but thats what friends do! they are there for one another, if thats the case where are they when I need someone. Not money or a bed for the night but just someone to talk to so I don't have to keep things bottled up. Normally I sit on the roof with a guitar and sing my troubles away into the night sky but thats no good when you need someone to tell you that everything is going to be ok or to just say nothing and give you a hug. It takes maybe six seconds to give someone a hug, and possibly another four seconds to say it'll all turn out right. That is ten seconds, ten seconds to make someone feel good for maybe five minutes, do you realise how powerful that is? You could prevent a war (theoretically) with just that one sentiment. So yeah I doubt anyone would offer because I aren't the typical guy people look for in life but could just one person spare about ten minutes just so I had someone to talk to. Probably not, but on the off chance someone will, you know where I'll be, just follow the sound of thoughts crashing to the ground, and I'll be there!

Sorry for wasting your time with this post but well, when friends fail I always have random people on the internet to rely on, I mean someone has to stumble upon this place surely.

Heart. Sank.

Ok my trainers smell like crap, I just got in. I have just met up with my brother. He has been at uni all day doing coursework so I thought I would walk home with him its my good deed for the day. So I stood in some dog crap, not exactly glamorous but it is truthful. So I came home and curled up on my bed. Then thought about checking my email, so I did. Which brought me to facebook, someone put something on my wall so I checked it and as you probably know it takes you to your home page and I like to read stuff like so-and-so has joined a group, sometimes it makes me laugh so reading through I saw a post of one of my friends had updated their status and upon my eyes glancing over it m,y heart sank. I reckon she knows who she is and hopefully she knows why.

Normally she is the one person that keeps me afloat but yet she made my heart sink.

I. Know.

Its a strange world we live in and every day we see something that doesn't fit. Well todays events passed quite swiftly, almost too fast, infact. I see little things from inside my sphere of noise. I call it a sphere of noise because it all depends on what mood I am in when I leave the house. I like to have music that expresses my mood so if I'm happy its a blend of Natalie Imbruglia and The Doves, when I'm upset its more INXS and The Strokes. Today its been the calming guitars and soothing vocals of The Strokes. I'm not really that type of person that is either over the moon or down in the dumps, I'm a lot more in between I'm kind of mellowed out, even still I let my self get frustrated by sometimes the simplest of things. Take today for instance I walked into work along my normal route and there are several crossings that I traverse each time I check if anyone is waiting on the other side, I believe in teaching children life skills at home such as tying laces or how to cross roads safely. Simple things that people do everyday without realising, they can't be taught in school so when you see a young mother teaching her child about crossings you do the decent thing and wait until its safe to cross instead of walking out and forcing a car to slam its brakes on. So outside of Princes Quay (its a shopping centre) there is a crossing where I saw a young parent teaching her child to push the button and wait for the green man. So I dutifully waited and you get this group of what appeared to be teenagers just walk out in front of a car, and I just thought "you idiots". Whats going on with todays youth? And this is why I was in a foul mood today at work. So I apologise to anyone and everyone I offended.

Trust. Hair.

OK so I have had chinese food for my evening meal so I figure it was only fair to write another blog for those whom stumble upon this little slice of headspace. I woke up a couple of days ago next to someone, well actually she was a very good friend of mine who crashes at my place quite often, and I sleep wearing a sock, sometimes a Tshirt aswell if I can't be bothered to get undressed, but thats a little more then you need to know but I'll continue anyway. So if you haven't gathered by now I'm a bit squiffy in the hair department, its long-ish, well shoulder length. I know some people think long hair looks good on a guy but the people I care for most would prefer if it wasn't as long. One of these people has offered a deal for me to shave my head. A deal that I would actually consider as well. But alas I have always found that I won't let anyone touch my hair, not touch my hair but to cut it. So I am in need off finding someone I trust enough to tackle my mane. It is actually quite hard to find someone I trust to abuse my hair, I don't like barbers or hairdressers and I used to have someone who would cut my hair and play with it and she was wonderful. It looked good, felt good and it even smelled good. And to top it off she had amazing breasts that used to fell amazing whilst she worked her magic on my hair. So if anyone has any offers then I will gratefully accept them and take them into consideration. So yeah if you fancy butchering my hair then you may but please bare in mind a stunning body is always a bonus and hey I'll even pay you for doing it.

Valentines. Day.

Three posts in a short amount of time, I do seem to be spoiling you, not that I mind, it makes me feel a little better know at least someone reads this. As you probably guess I aren't the biggest fan of traditional days of romance, I don't understand the point of roses or an expensive box of chocolate or even champagne. All those things don't say love to me, anyone can ask their assistant/secretary to go out and buy those things for them, how is that romantic? I know that a couple of my friends are putting a lot of effort into valentines day, they have bought food and are currently cooking meals for the people they are in a relationship with, I know because I have recieved a call already on how to make a souffle (not something you can explain over the phone by the way) It all seems a little needless to me. So by now you are probably thinking "oh this guy is a miserable tosser" or something along the lines of that, but I really aren't! Romance isn't about how much time you spend together on a certain day of the year, its about everyday, not just the ones where everything is going smoothly but the ones where you fight aswell. I will admit I am single this year and I was last year also. But that does not stop me from seeing what happens around me,I have been watching people rush out into town to buy things for their beloved, showing just how little today means to them apart from a higher chance of getting laid. Some people will be having chinese food others just lots of wine but the best ever valentines day I have ever had was so simple I was sat on the beach at withernsea with a bag of nik-naks nothing special planned ut had a blanket with me, and when my partenr at the time turned up we sat together just watching the stars listening to the sounds of the north sea and then it rained. Simple effective and well not expensive in the slightest. Ok now I sound like some cheapskate don't I. Well that isn't entirely fair, just because I didn't make an effort that day showed how much of an effort I make the rest of the year. I have a friend who I won't name because he might get pissed at me for using him in my blog, he is a bastard seriously, if I weren't his friend I'd hate him, every year I watch him go and buy a cheap botle of wine and some skanky chocolates which he then offers to his partner on valentines day then he tells her that he loves her then goes out and gets well and truly drunk, leaving her at home, and everytime he comes home he pukes on the doorstep and then walks in, he may not seem like a good person to be dating but they have been together for five years, he has it good so he dosn't mind it but she, well she is scared to be on her own, which is strange because she is amazingly attractive and a sweet person on top of that, when I go round theirs I end uphanging out in the kitchen with her cooking, she could have anyone she wanted just by batting her eyelids at them but she doesn't because he says those three little words. It just doesn't seem fair. Now I aren't one for getting champagne and chocolates because one day of the year dictates I should, I do it whenever I feel like doing it, not because I want to get laid but, because I feel people deserve to be special all year round not just on one day! And hopefully one of these years I'll be allowed to feel special aswell.


Fingers crossed x

Losing. Faith.

Ok round two. I did have a full paragraph written already but then my laptop dcided to shut itself down, dumb huh?!? So one good thing about it is I get to start afresh with a nice shiny white box to type words into. Right I'm cold and wet, I needed to think so I went for a cold shower, freezing cold, I don't know why but it helps me think for some reason and my hair looks wicked cool when its wet. So yeah losing faith, if you know me you'll know I aren't religious, well not a normal type of religion, but I do believe in karma and for some reason some superstitions always get me flustered, none of the old don't step on the crack stuff..., more like the little things like holding your breath when walking by a graveyard. Although that probably does sound silly now that I can see it in black and white. But this isn't the kind f faith I am losing, I like watching things especially people, not like through windows as they get undressed or anything like that but just people. They interest me, but walking home today I saw something that really disappointed me. I walk the same route home most days, through tesco to ge a drink and something to eat then out through the back entrance (oxymoronic I know) where I see a small group of kids playing with a rugby ball, that might not seem strange considering I live in a city with two top (?) flight rugby league teams in, and at first I smiled because hey atleast they aren't stuck inside watching TV and getting fat, until a notice a young looking lass, not young as in single digits but more around a similar age to me, a cute person I must add, with a pushchair with a sleeping child in it. Ok maybe she had run out off chocolate pudding or whatever but she had been wandering around tesco the same time as me, I only noticed as we had exchanged smiles whilst in the store. Now back to the group of kids with the ball, for some reason unknown to me they were kicking the ball towards this woman and child as if they were aiming for them, I figured maybe they had just spliced the ball and it was sheer coincidence that it went in their direction, until they kicked it again, and again it went toward the two of them this time hitting the handle of the pushchair and thus waking the child. Now I will admit I aren't the most intimidating of people, I aren't quite six foot and most fourteen year olds I know tower over me in height but I am quite bulky, but I don't like to see things happen in front of me. So I walked over to the mom and her child to make sure they were alright, just what any normal person would do, right? Then the next thing I hear is a thud coming from behind me and then feel something hitting me in the back. I know ou know what it was, the ball had hit me in the back, now anyone will tell you I'm fairly easy going and enjoy a laugh but when you see some annoying little shits laughing because they are tormenting a young mother, well that gets on my goat. So I unplug my earphones to listen if they say sorry, just in case it was an accident, giving them the benefit of the doubt. Then I overhear them say to do it again. Now that I have warning I had time to react. So as the ball approached me I turned and caught it. Now if I had booted it onto the roof there is no telling what may of happened so quickly working out my options I take out my lock knife and stab the ball, then squeezed all the air out of it. Now if I had done that and kept the ball that would of counted as theft so I happily returned the ball to its rightful owners, throwing it straight at them as if it were a throwing knife, it hits one of them in the face, oops, they start shoutingthings at me and make their way towards me, so I did the only hing I could do which was pull my scarf down from around my face and growl. You may find that strange but when something angers me I growl and my eyes go a little bigger all in all looking slightly deranged. Upon one look of my snarling angry facethey turned tail and left, now no gentleman would leave a young mother in that situation so I walked her home as it was only a couple of streets away if it was any further I would have called a cab just so I would know she got home safe. So it begs the question, what kind of parents must this group of kids hae to raise them without even a single shred of decency? I hope this next generation may start to appreciate what they have and raise children of their own with a little more common sense and raise them to respect people as a whole. If not then its going to be a rough twenty years ahead of us. Someone help us!

About. Me.

I do love the two word titles, seriously I do. It takes no effort but normally it explains my blog post without reading through my ramblings. Its perfect you can work out my mood just by the two words I chose to label a post with, like this one, you can easily tell I will be writing about me. Or at the very least I will start typing about myself then start drifting into other topics that I know very little about.
So on with the purpose of this most unusual of blog posts, personally I aren't really that big on myself, I know what I am and thats always been enough for me. I've always been a free thinker never really enjoying the confines that were placed around me. The whole do this do that mentality never worked for me because I like to question things. Its actually not that common, most people if you tell them to do something they will use some kind of expletive and then go do it anyway, whereas I always like to know why I'm doing something, its part of the reason I don't cope well with compulsary education (evident by my very poor spelling) to be told that you are studying something because its on the syllabus is not enough, why is it on the syllabus, who put it there and what use will it be in life. I want to know that what I am doing is being done for a good reason. Now most reasons are good reasons, like "because I'd like you to do it" it shows a simple regard for another person and yet a certain fragility as well. I like to see peoples expose their underbelly, I don't want a complete headcase in my life, I want someone who is confident enough to show who and why they are. Someone who seems happy is either pretending they are happy or are truly happy, I want to know which. Its not a massive thing to want, well I don't think it is. I would like to find someone who I feel comfortable enough around to just go sit on a bench somewhere with them and watch people rushing around. I'm no social genius at all but I do like watching people, making up stories and scenarios for them inside my head, I don't see the need to rush everywhere just to get somewhere. Why do people rush so much, I will raise my hand up high and admit open heartedly that I rush, I rush to work so I can see people smiling, I rush out of work because I want to see the stars (not celebrities the ones in the sky) they have a calming affect on me, and as mushy as this sounds I like to know that everyone I care about are all under the same sky. I may be sounding a little emo by saying that but if you know anything about me you will know I am a li'l bit emo, I mean c'mon I still have a teddy bear. Not one of those people who goes out and buys one to show that he is sensitive, I just have one always have probably always will. So I feel like I should actually tell you something a bit more personal.
Okay maybe this new paragraph will encourage me to get a little bit more me, its true I am a bit messed up, I'm scared of people, not everyone but the thought of what people could be, so scared that I won't even ask out the person I have this (for want of a better word) crush on, I don't feel like I'm good enough for most people, I don't really fit in with any set groups I listen to my own little world through my headphones just so I can't be scared by the noises around me, I like wearing trainers more than anything else not expensive ones just ones that fit, I'm not a fan of clubs, they make very little sense to me, loud music that I don't like and surrounded by people whoyou can't hear a word they are saying. I much prefer simpler things like sitting on a wall and chatting or even just getting a slush puppy and watching clouds, one question I have found explains more about a person than any other is "your house is on fire, what three things would you rescue?" If you take this situation as my family aren't home its pretty easy to answer, my mozzy (MP3 player), my journal, My wallet. anything other then that wouldn't be worth grabbing. With the fact that I am meant to be getting an early night tonight, I really ought to sign out now so just a quickie to finish off with, well nothings coming to mind, so I'll just say, if I love you you know I love you and that should be enough. G'night!

Legs. Breasts.

A while ago someone said there are two types of men, those who like breasts and those who like legs. I'm forgetting myself here, where are my manners? I should of greeted you and asked how you are. Ok I'll do that now, "Hi, how are you? Its been ages! Well not really that long but but still!" Well maybe that was a little too much, so how about just a hello. Hello. Well those two types of guys are fine, I know I'm a fan of legs, yet I know this makes me sound slightly pervy but don't judge just yet. I, and I know I'm not the only one, overall prefer the tummy to both legs and breasts. I know its not much to play with like a pair of boobs, and it can't be wrapped around you like a pair of legs either, so whats the fascination? Well thats simple. Hugs. Theres your answer, so simple, so pure, and perfect for every occasion. Nothing can brighten a mood better than a hug from someone you know cares about you. Seriously try it. Its the perfect solution, and its not wrong in any way, well obviously in some ways. Now if you are like me you're probably thinking how does that explain why this idiot likes tummys. You know that feeling when you are down in the dumps and you sit down and feel nothing can make you feel better, and then someone comes up behind you and puts their arms around you? For that split second when you don't know who it is? And then they clasp thier hands around your tummy and tell you that your amazing. I love how you can feel all the emotions through their tummy. I hug my friends quite a lot, its a regular thing. Some of my friends I can't hug, well I could hug them, but I'm not sure how they would react, Some of them I would love to hug more then anything else in the world, and as always there is a reason why I don't. Some have big scary boyfriends, others have really scary boyfriends, and well there is one (whose name I can't type without asking her permission) I will tell you though this friend is from work, and the reason I won't hug her is simply because I want to so much, you may not appreciate what I mean so I will try to explain.
My friend (who if you read higher up you will know I can't mention her name) is undeniably cute that even a bag of kittens would increase the cuteness. Some people have this opinion that you can't be both cute and smoking hot, I beg to differ, because if you saw her you would either break your jaw when it fell to the ground, or you would be jealous. Its not a secret that I'm not tall, well not tall for this modern age, I am around the 6' mark, not tall but by no means short, hat you may not realise is I like petite women, no I didn't say small I said petite! Small implies tiny whereas petite implies a little under average. Now as per usual I have veered off on a tangent so I will try and get back on track. Yeah I like people who are shorter in height, but not in character. So every time I see this person I get a smile (the cutest I have ever seen by the way) and it makes me all warm, as happens with all my friends. But for some reason my english goes a little wobbly and I muster a smile, I don't have that nice a smile, well its not a bad smile, its more a case of a bad face, so I look a little dumb, well ok maybe a lot dumb. Though I do smile! The reason I don't hug her is because, well I, I aren't the most popular person and I know a lot of people don't like me, so I don't want peoples reputation ruined on my behalf. Maybe they wouldn't mind, I should ask them.
Thanks for reading this mush of words!