I miss

I miss the way you make me feel,
I miss how your hair fans out when you quickly spin around,
I miss the way you drop everything just so we can chat,
I miss how the curve of your smile resembles my whole world,
I miss the fact that even when you aren't here it feels like you are,
I miss how even with a simple hello you brighten my day,
I miss the fact that all I want to do is hold you,
In fact I miss so much about you that all I need to say is,
I miss you.

Pizza

All this evening all I have been thinking is how much I would love to share a pizza with you!

Age, wisdom and birthdays

Its a strange thing age, it makes you feel bad about yourself, or it can make you feel really good about yourself. Me well I see age as a problem. I see it as a way of measuring how close you are to death. Maybe a way of judging wisdom or maybe its just a number.
It was my birthday today and its meant to be one of the biggies, you know 16, 18, 21. Yeah I'm now 21. aka old. It is a strange thing to feel old at such a young age but I do, I mean c'mon I have the wisdom of a 25 year old and the maturity of a twelve year old. But back to the matter at hand I hate birthdays, today for example I ended up cooking for the family, which isn't bad as I love cooking, but then to have the family turn it down after I'd cooked it and I didn't even get a happy birthday from my dad. He didn't even say hi. All I got from him was shut up and get off the floor!
To top off a generally shit day the best thing that happened was I got to stay in bed for an extra half hour. Whooo! If you didn't get the sarcasm then you don't know me very well.
Atleast I have anoth 365 days before I have to go throuhg it again, well thats a blessing. And I have the weekend to get out of hull and do whatever I want probably sleep rough.

sleep

Sleep is an essential part of life, it lets your body relax and rest but most important of all it lets your subconscious toil away with itself making every little thing you do all add to the importance of sleep. This bugs me as I have been struggling to sleep recently, and its been playing havoc with my emotions and throwing a spanner in my works. I know sleep patterns are useful but even when you stick to it it doesn't garantee actually sleeping but it does mean you have time to blog or even think about wether you really do love someone or you use them just to deflect the fear of being alone I suppose it could be used for other things like bonding with family or talking on the phone with friends but lets be honest if you had the choice of being in a comfy bed wrapped up in a duvet listening to prince and the revolution or being on the phone with a friend most people would opt for the bed everytime. I know I would! I like to be on my own when I'm sleeping, it doesn't matter where I'm sleeping I just like to be alone, I talk in my sleep you see. So even if I'm sharing a bed with someone who is an amazing person and just wants to cuddle then I don't care I'm going downstairs and sleeping in the bathtub JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ALRIGHT!!!

You might think that strange but life isn't all about sex. Well it is really, the continual struggle for remembrance is a powerful force. I'm sure thats what we do it for just so we don't get forgotten as quickly because I mean we all get forgotten eventually don't we I sometimes forget myself and just go into a daze.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that sleeping with people and sex is bad BUT I will say that whilst I was celibate I was a lot happier with my life and myself in general, I got closer to people I care about and found out who actually cares about me and to be honest its quite a small list only about 20 people in all and even then they don't know how messed up I actually am. I don't mean like in the way people act messed up to appear cool, becaue I'll tell you that isn't cool. Cool is being able to tell your parents that you love them and not find it amusing, cool is having the confidence to go up to that colleague and just tell them that sometimes they are the only reason that you manage to crawl out of bed and go to work, cool is knowing the difference between taking someone out for a meal in a resteraunt and both of you staying in and cooking together.
I will tell you a big secret though, I am not cool. To be honest I'm not even good-looking I bring very little to the mankind apart from being over sarcastic. I hide in the shadows and wait for the moment when I am most scared and then I run and hide, the only problem is where can you run when trying to hide from yourself.
I know what I am and my place in this world but I don't want to accept it I want to change but I'm scared that if I do change I'll lose all of my few good qualities and end up in a downward spiral.

Looks like I've got some thinking to do...