Well. Ok.

I like films, I like them alot, in fact its one of the few pleasures that I still have. I actually watch more films then do anything else, apart from work of course. The only downside to this is that films make me think. Today I watched something that said Christmas is t time that you tell the truth. Now I'm all for telling the truth even though sometimes it gets me into trouble, so I don't want to say anything as cheap and say you can ask me any one question or something similar, as I hope by now you all know that you can ask me anything at any time, and I shall always do my best to answer both quickly and honestly.
So on to the point of this post, I am a person with many flaws, and one of my biggest flaws is that I trust. Seriously I will trust everybody to such a great extent that I tend to get hurt. OK i am going to leave it here and continue after I have slept!

Chess. Thanks.

Well this is a strange turn of events, normally I start off with a title, and then write making sure that the subject follows the title. Yet this time, my mind seems to have wandered off upon a path of its own choosing. Usually I'm a fairly direct person, I like to aim for a point and run the course that gets me there quickest, of course it has music blasting out. So, I feel like I owe this blog post to you, the reader/s, the few people who care enough about me to read my ramblings, well I hope they care and aren't reading this to mock me.
I'm hoping that I can get in touch with each of you in time for christmas, as I have a chess peice for each of you. It may not seem like a lot, but one of the people I hold dearest once told me that life is like a game of chess, I would go further into that, explain what I thought it meant but I figure I will be mailing a single peice out to you with a hand written note explaining personally why you got the peice that you would have recieved. Now that may not mean much to you but hopefully upon reading the accompanying note, written by me in either my traditional purple pen or pencil, I enjoy writing but generally it is in a notebook whilst I'm sat on the roof or in the shade of a tree. Although I will be enjoying thinking about each and every one of you whilst writing your notes. I know its a bit cheap but you have to remember that a gift is not a monetary value that you shall be recieving but a small part of me or atleast a part of my world, and that is something you cannot put a £ in front of.
Well again you all deserve a thanking for reading this but what I will say is if you cn all email an address to which I can mail you packages to, you know my email address and if you don't then just ask!

Time. Panic.

Its late on a saturday morning, the sky is a brilliant blue and cloudless. I have internet radio on, because one of my closest friends' partner is Djing it and I'm trying to be supportive. The day is strangely good. The downside though is I only have today off work! I hate it when I have time off work when I have no plans, it makes the day seem a little wasteful. Its not too bad though as my body is ripped to peices from working multiple jobs so a day of rest should work out quite well.
So time is playing fair with me but my sleep pattern has changed drastically, I am awake for roughly twenty hours a day with bad quality sleep for the other four hours. In all fairness I don't mind it too much it gives me the time to think and relax my brain just shut my head off for a little while and let it reboot.
Panic, I don't mean the bad guy in the first season of yugioh (the only good season) I mean I have been developing as a person, I have been taking other peoples feelings into consideration and I have been being nice to people. Its not that I'm not a nice person, I over use sarcasm and like to abuse the english language to confuse people. BUT I have been cutting down on how much I do both, as apparantly it can offend people. I have always found that the people who get offended are either the people who don't understand it or the people who don't listen to me when I do use them. It mightnot seem like much but this is a big step for me, its almost like I am becoming a productive member of society.

It might happen one day!

Age. Voice.

There is a saying that age is just a number, but we both know that it isn't, age is a problem. We have a set age where when you reach that magical day that you turn into an adult, You go to bed a teenager and wake up as an adult. I have this really messed up memory, I can remember people from my first impression of them and how they looked the first time I glanced at them. I bring this up as tonight after finishing work I walked my normal route back home and saw Amy, now Amy has just had a birthday and become the technical adult, this may not seem important but when we first me she was 14 and cute as a button and we soon became friends, the type of friends that say hi in the street and little more besides. I do believe friendships grow but they don't blossom, if they were to it would imply that come the winter, the friendship falls to ground. So over the next couple of years I became closer with Amy and then tonight, I saw this beautiful young woman in town and then she spoke and it was Amy, and then I felt wrong. This is someone who I have known for about four years and I'll be honest I was checking her out. So now I feel a little like a douche, but then I am male and am expected to look at women, so I guess it serves me right for having such amazingly attractive friends.
So now comes the voice, not a divine voice or anything just something that I got to thinking recently because every few months I climb back into my shell and away from the world with only the echoes of my thoughts and my memories for company I would like to know what you all sound like. I know you probably think that I'm silly but sometimes all we need is another voice to tell us that everything is fine before we even consider that it may be true.
So ending with a final thought, a little like Jerry Springer does, everyone's voice is silent in a vaccum, maybe this is when we truly speak? I'm not sure if that is a quote or not but I think I just made it up but it sounds like it might be somewhat deep.

Hope. Bottoms.

So its that glorious time of year again when I go back to working night shifts, I know this probably doesn't make much of a difference to you but, I love it, its a perfect time to walk home and enjoy the beauty of the night. Stars and the moon, the warm orange glow of the city, and the fact that I can imagine what I want with noone to second guess it. Its the perfect time of year. Last year it was even more special, I could hang out on a leather sofa with this really attractive friend of mine just talking the night away about nothing in particular, it was heaven.
Again I have digressed from the point, I really ought to stop doing that, but I will try and get back on point. Its october which means that europes biggest ravelling fair is in town, its just the same rides every year, but everyone flocks to see it. Me personally I don't see the fascination I do like the lights though. Its a glow that can be seen from miles around and really quite beautiful. I don't agree with the concept, I like my rides to be safe secure and firmly attached to the ground. Now don't get me wrong I love the G-force you can get from certain rides its all about the adrenaline boost you get.
So I now feel like I have said too much about lights and glows, so I will leave you with a certain bit of wisdom: A beautiful girls bottom is something to behold and it should be appreciated not just oggled upon.

Music. Emotion.

Right take two! That won't make sense unless you are sat on my back whilst I'm typing this, but alas I can safely say that you aren't because noone is. But yeah so back on target, I needed someone to give me a hug today, and alas there was noone! Yeah I know this is starting to sound like an emo style rant, but I do try to keep it as an easy to read blog based on me and my surroundings. So yeah I'll try and explain what has happened to make me feel like this, you atleast deserve that.
So to set the scene imagine a dark night where you can see perfectly by the moonlight alone but just to create atmosphere there is candle light. Its nothing like that, it doesn't even sound like that. I was getting up from a night of restless sleep, no I wasn't up to the dirty deed, I was in a chair last night, not by choice I fell asleep whilst watching scrubs on DVD. It wasn't nice I had a very good friend of mine in my bed, she sleeps over quite a bit so its not unusual for her to get my bed to herself whilst I crash out playing video games, but its one of those friendships where we are so close and comfortable that we can share a bed and just hold each other. Its a nice friendship that I value alot, but then this morning I woke at the usual early hour that I normally wake on a sunday, so I clamber over the bed carefully trying not to wake her and in my successful attempt I made my way down to the kitchen to grab an apple. Now my kitchen isn't nice and roomy like some peoples infact its more like a galley, long and shapeless, its not even pretty, but its still my fave room in the house apart from my room. So yeah, there I am sat on the floor chomping on an apple, a granny smith of course before you ask, and my friend comes down stairs wearing my bear feet slippers, wearing one of my massive Tshirts looking all kinds of pretty. Sliding over to me still yawning she sits on the floor next to me takes my apple off me and takes a bite, gives it back to me and proceeds to grab some toast for breakfast, she turned to me and asked where the butter was, I responded by pointing out that I'm all out of butter but I do have bertolli in the fridge so she used that turning back to face me and sitting down facing me, she tells me she loves me, and what do i say to that? Nothing I spit out the apple in my mouth and say "what?". Not the best way to deal with it! So yeah she promptly went back to my room pulled on her jeans and left. SO I feel like shit for possibly ruining a good friendship and need someone to talk to, and where are my people? Not where I need them. So I ring my friend and she tells me its all ok, I know its not so I turn up with a loaf of fresh made coconut bread and we talk. So its now meant to be all good, but its not! I know its not and so does she. But hey when the people in life let us downwe always have the music. Goldfinger is my choice at the moment! We always have the music! And the music will always have us!

Still. Counting.

I needed to get something off my chest so I wrote a blog. Here it is.













Thankyou for reading.

One Day.

One day my ship will come in and everything will suddenly go right, not as in the opposite of left but more like correct, but then again can life really go correctly? Me thinks not. HOw can you define it? Is it a duty to live and reproduce to make sure that the human race doesn't die out? If so then I for one do not want to live correctly, I want to live right. Yet again I digress, it could be the fact that I am sat under the window,when I say sat I mean sprawled with my feet resting on the sill letting my feet feel the gentle caress of each and every droplet that desides to trickle down the window, its actually quite a warming feeling even though my toes are freezing, but thats a minor annoyance as my heart is warmed for once. I have the stereo on for the first time in a while. You may think that I don't listen to music much but its totally different to listen to the sounds of the world around you acting as the backing vocals for a powerful voice, preferably female but in dire situations anything will do. Apart from artic monkeys. I could turn this into one of my semi famous rants about how music has ruin todays youth but I am quite easily resisting the temptation to do so.
So on with what I intended to write about, I feel that I have reached the point in my life where I can do almost anything. My confidence is at an all time high my mood is one of mellow bliss, and I have the taste of what I think may be love in my mouth. I actually feel happy, this may not seem like a big thing to you but it has been a while since I have felt this good its almost like I have someone looking over me. The past couple of years have been kinda messed up for me with family and friends going their own ways and things falling apart from the bottom but now this instance I have a head ful of memories and feelings, so many in fact that I can feel them putting a strain on my eyes or it could be due to the fact that I aren't the most used to natural light, so I'm hoping its the memories.
This coming week may be everything I need to get my life turned around, the somewhat illegal substances have gone, alcohol is down to a minimum, and friends are at an all time high. All thats left is to catch up with Steph and Bucker, but I have another seven days to do that so there no rush. Well there is but just because I want to see them. And I want to leave you with a thought but I cannae think of anything that sounds wise or feasible so I will just say that you are all the most important people in my life, just because you are in my life.

Duck. Duck.

It may seem like a strange title for a blog post, but there is an old playground game called duck duck goose. I hope I don't have to explain the game to you as I don't technically know the rules myself but I know it involves running around. Yet again I am wandering off the blog writing path, but yeah all my friends are split into groups, 3 to be accurate, first we have the clan, a small group of females who mean more to me than time itself, we then have the crowd, the people who are so popular that they can befriend anyone however they chose to befriend me, and finally we have the others, it may seem like not the nicest way to describe them but its very apt, more friends out of association rather then because we hang out. Although the groups are totally different it is easy to switch between groups as all the groups are part of the gaggle. Gaggle is the name for a group of geese, and afer about two years of non goosing (if that can even be classed as a word) I have regained my goose. Knowing the type of people who will read this they will probably think of goose as some kind of innuendo and then giggle to themselves. I inform you GOOSE used to be one of my closest friends until I went into hiding.I go into hiding quite a bit now less then I used to but we all need to get away from everything every now and again. So yeah I have refound my GOOSE, you're probably thinking "why does he keep writing goose in green?" but there is a simple answer to it and that answer is its her fave colour, and she has the most wickedbonny green eyes. Ha thats narrowed it down for you to try and work out who it is now, she'll know that I mean her. I keep referring to my goose as a her because I haven't asked her if she minds me using her name in this random assortment of words that I call a blog.

So yeah well ermm..... I feel I have waffled on too long already so all I want to conclude with is GOOSE, its good to have you back in my life, the clan always feels different when your not in it.

Fashion.

Fashion is always near the fore front of my mind. HA! thats a blatant lie, its rarely anywhere at all. I've never known life to be so awkward because of what you wear. Walking home today on the way through St Stevo's I watched people flock to a clothing store to buy what they concieve to be fashionable. Skinny jeans and converse, I don't see how thats fashionable. I will admit that when not being fashionable was fashionable, (kind of an oxymoron I know) that was when I was fashionable since then my dress sense has evolved into what it is today. massive jeans and comfy T-shirts and a hoody tied around my waist, oh and the shoes, well thats a totally different matter, I were a few different brands of footwear as they fit but I have to admit that airwalk are my faves, but mine are like no other pair, I coloured them in with permanent marker one day because I was bored.
So I'll be honest today I saw the most amazing person I don't think you could class her in any social stereotype by what she was wearing but my god she was absolutley on the money dress sense wise. Some kickass trainers with baggy jeans that showed off her bottom perfectly, with a purple shirt, not a dark bold gothicy purple but more of a pastel shade, with a navy corset top on over it, with specs on and headphones in. I cannae explain how hot she looked but if I was female I would dress like that. Oh and did I mention she had firey red hair. Damn she looked beautiful! Might not be your taste but hey its fine in my eyes.

Thankyou stranger with kickass dress sense you have made my morning!

Self Harm.

Its a funny thing self harm, well not funny par se but its an interesting topic. Lets say a person is so morally depressed that they cut themself, where does it get them? I was thinking about that earlier, I aren't going to start cutting myself, but seriously what does it do? Quite a few of my friends used to or still do cut themselves, one of them thinks it makes him look tough. Well thats gotta be the worst reason out of the numerous that I have heard. I mean when you think about it how does cuting into something that is dead make sense. Its dead skin it has no feeling to it until you get through atleast a couple of layers. But there is a common misconception to self harming and most people overlook it but what about the emotional pain its less visable and in a lot of cases more painful. My personal preference is emotional pain. Not only does it eat away at you constantly but you can hide it really easily unless of course you burst in to tears quite easily.
Everyone has a preferene, and I will go out on a limb and say that I think, and this is totally on my personal experience, that everyone has self harmed atleast a couple of times, take me for instance I am constantly falling in love with people I can never be with, and I fall so hard it hurts I do it knowing full well that I am going to end up hurting myself. But if you can honestly say that you have never sef harmed then I applaud you and you have my sincerest apologies for making such a harsh statement, but if you look inside yourself and see in anyway that you have hurt yourself then raise your hand and be counted as one of the "normal" people. Be proud that you are individual enough to admit to doing something so socially awkward and inconsiderate.
I say inconsiderate and you probably think of it as a negative but in all honest I believe that you are mislead what it means is that you have the ability to remove yourself from your environment enough so that you can forget everyone around you and watch them suffer unknowingly, because they know that you are doing it, no matter how hard you try and hide it with gloves and a change of dress sense, I'm telling you they know, not through ESP or something like that but hey you must be a big enough part of someones for everyone to not notice.
I cannot judge you at all, to some of you a may just be a nerd who spends too much time sat at a computer writing things that hardly anyone reads, and to others I am the shoulder that they cry on when things go wrong, and to the few people who might read this that I know from work will know me as a guy with bad hair a rubbish appearance and a good taste in cookies, but when all is said and done you are the one reading this which kind of makes me think that I am a big enough part of your lives for you to take the time out of your busy schedules (even if it is just playing halo or sitting in an office staring blankly into a screen wondering why you are still in a office when the weather is so lovely) so thank you for making this guy feel a little more needed in a world that doesn't let us know what we mean to it.

Well hmmm....

Its a strange thing the human mind, it works in so many ways that you cannot understand it. It has the power to control your body, and make you disgusted by the thought you can and will have. I point this out as I believe that my mind is leading me on a merry dance, toying with my emotions like they are a puppy, not sure what is going on around it but seems happy just to be.
I have a friend who I love to peices more then I should really but I don't have the, for want of a better word, cajones to tell them so, I know more fool me for typing this on a blog that maybe one or two people read so only they know how I feel. I could actually try social interaction in the real world but then what would scare me the most the people or the lack of anonanimity of it, I mean it would be face to face. Now lets be honest I wouldn't wish that on anyone, you see I aren't attractive or not in the stereotypical way, I don't have the chiselled abs the pecks of an ancient god or even a face that could be mistaken as a work of raphael (if you don't know who that is well you are on a laptop so just google him), I would go as far as to say I have a certain flair to everything that I do. A quirky charm you might call it, like referring to people as chief or sitting in a train station colouring in my shoes. See I am what is known as a shoulder, I make people feel better about themselves by making a complete idiot out of myself almost anything I can do to get the desired effect. You can call me gullible or say that I am being used by the people I regard highest, but I disagree, if anything I am using them, each and everyone one of my friends has an attribute that I need in my life, okay I know that sounds sucky but I will try to explain, One of my friends is the cleverest guy I have ever met, he may not be the most acadmically gifted person but he is a social chameleon, seriously he fits in where ever he goes, and that kind of makes me fit in when I am with him. So that wasn't the best explanation of what I mean but I'm hoping you kinda sorta get what I'm trying to put across.
So yeah back to the brain thing its strange how it makes people think of saying and phrases that stick with you through life, one of my favourites is "friends are the family that you choose yourself" everytime I hear that I shiver because if that right then I have thought about sex with my sisters quite a bit,(not my actual sisters but my female friends) and that would seem more then a little wrong. But yeah the little tidbits of genius that you hear in town.
Ah yeah the most awesomest thing happened in town the other day, I was sat on this high raised planter, I say high raised but its only about 2foot high, and this little kid, maybe 5-7years old was walking along the wall and just as he reached me his parent (I say parent as I don't want to say either mum or dad of the child as you may see it as me saying which is the better parent) grabbed them by the wrist and yanked them off the wall, the kid fell onto a footpath and scraped their knee, crying its little eyes out you could here the parent say "you don't know what kind of man that is so you should stay away" How good is that? All I was doing was sitting outside in the sun waiting for the queue in the bank to go down and someone implies hat people should stay away from me, I ain't the one injuring children to keep them safe.

But I feel I have ranted long enough so I will leave you with the best line I have heard in a TV show ever.
"noone likes a blonde in a hamster ball" Veronica Mars.

3 things...

I am human, I know that comes as a suprise but, I promise you that when you look at me I am kinda like you. I have flaws and advantages to my being as all humans have, its a sign of humanity, I would even say its normlity. I am sarcastic to everyone and I use it as a defense mechanism and an ice breaker, it sums up what and who I am. But the main thing that makes me feel human is the fact that I get scared.
Everyone has fears some are more strange then others but we all have them. I work through my fears but there are three things that really scare me. The first is one most of my friends know is worms, feel free to take the piss but when you think about it they are scary they wriggle through mud so you never know where they are so in theory they could be wriggling between your toes if you are walking barefoot.
The second is rejection, its a basic human fear, noone doesn't have this fear, I guarantee that even if you say you don't have it its there skulking in the deepest darkest hollows of your mind. See even now you are probably thinking "no that doesn't scare me!" but when you wake up in the middle of the night you will realise that it is scary.
Finally my other major fear is hospitals I don't know why but they scare the crap outta me, even now I am all goose-pimply just with the thought of them. So I will leave it at that and let you all get some shut eye because you will need it for the day thats is coming.

Sweet dreams

justification.

What has made man the top of the food chain? We aren't the fastest, nor the strongest, and we definatley aren't the cleverest. We may have evolved but when you look at the grander scale of things we are still millenia behind. We have the thumb and fingers, but look what we have used them for, to weild weapons and to make tools making our lives easier but to what end? We have lost the ability to advance in ourselves, opting to let technology to do the work for us. We entertain ourselves through electronic gadgetry, I will admit I am more guilty then most for this, I mean I am here right now typing on a laptop rather than spending time with my friends or family. Although I do understand the need for technology, but I see no progress in it, in fact all I see is the opposite, man created the remote control so we didn't have to get up and change the channel on something meaning it is now possible to sit on the sofa all day, and I do mean all day, with the addition of fast food at home we don't even spend time in the kitchen cooking with friends but instead we just stick something in the microwave and turn the dail, or push in the desired time in on the keypad, and on the rare occurance that we do actually decide to stay and wait for the food to "cook" we end up staring at the timer as if we don't trust it to count the seconds itself. How is it food? Gone are the days when you would get a family cooking a meal together, its a travesty.
We shout to each other when we are mearly a few metres away from each other, and why?, because its just to much effort to shuffle our little feet a few inches at a time until we are withing talking distance or even worse when they ring someone up who is a couple of rooms away. I hate to say it but in my house we do have a phone system that doubles as an intercom and I have been known to use it, only to call up to the top floor (we live in a 3/4 storey house(I say 3/4 as some people count a cellar as a floor) and when you have just come down from the top floor and need to go straight back up it is a little disheartening.
And now on to that wonderful invention, television, we have all these methods to save time during the day so we can spend time together doing nothing more then look at the ol' magic picture box in the corner. No longer do we have a pleasant conversation about how ones day has been, we have reached the point were you are lucky to even get a thank-you between mouthfuls of half digested food.
I have this friend (no I don't use this as a way of telling my story without people thinking its me I do really have a friend!) she has been my rock and my hardplace for about a year or so now and she has all this time on her hands as her bloke has found a "mistress", if she reads this I am sure she will know who I mean without naming names. I will not lie to you though she is such a beautiful person physically that most of my male friends who have seen her have thought about sex with her, me included! But I degress form my point, she is in a happy relationship but she somehow always makes time for me, you may think its a sign of a good friend but Its more then that, oh and damn she has an incredible set of pins.
So all in all I want you to think about the fact that although I am a hypocrite for ranting whilst using a laptop I just wonder if any of my few readers have found that they are dropping crumbs on their keyboard when they read this and if so why are you not eating at a table with the ones you hold nearest and dearest?

welcome to this corner of my life.

You know me, an easy going guy with a high spirit and a jovial personality, well if you agree with that then you obviously don't know me at all. I am a miserable person who is caught up in his own little world of fear hatred intrigue and sarcasm, yet only for about 3-6 months of the year the rest of the time I can be this really friendly guy who would do anything to help anyone, or even better, everyone. but this is the first blog post of the three month downer and probably the last until I cheer myself up a little. I like how people label it as seasonal affected disorder, I think thats what its called, when you get depressed when its raining and happy when its sunny, a.k.a. bullshit, how is it a problem everyone has it.
"aww look its raining outside I can't go out now"
Why not? I'm not sure if you realise it but its water! You bathe in it, you drink it. Why are you scared of letting it on your skin?

Yeah this doesn't really affect me, I like the rain, I love the fact that people hide under shelter so the streets are almost totally mine, its freedom incarnate, and I really do love it. The way you feel water running down your face and its cold so you feel it loads and your skin tightens and you just feel....wow.....thats the only way you can describe it.

But yeah this is the sadness and you are welcome to join me in it, and you will find that the world becomes a much more sarcasrtic place, but damn its fun.

Respect.

Words are spoken between people everyday but yet we don't realise how much they offend, but then again a lot of the time silece is more offensive. Sometimes it upsets me, I will openly admit that the age of chivalry is over, dead infact, but how did it die? The culture we live in defines us. The ideal that with age comes wisdom has been blown out of the water, another thing we are bought up to believe is to respect our elders. I don't see how it relates, you hold open a door for someone, not because they are carrying something, just to be polite the least you can expect, nay SHOULD expect is a thankyou or a smile. Instead we get a snarl or just ignored as if we have to do it, we don't its a CHOICE! We choose to do it, because in general we are good people, not just because we don't follow convention just because everyone deserves to feel valued. Me, you and everyone else we all contribute to life in someway or another.
As for respecting elders how does that relate to modern day society? I agree wouldn't be around if it wasn't for them, but that is just evolution and genetics but when the respect that they demand is recipricated then they will start to get more in life, do they forget that with age comes wisdom but also senilaty you can have all the wisdom in the world but if you cannae remember it then what use is it?
Maybe I am just ranting yet I feel that more is expected from the younger generations but if people don't get what they want then maybe they should of passed their skills on for something worthwhile not money but just the fact that someone else is wanting to learn from them. It could be why people are stuggling to attract enough people to the teaching proffessions, maybe because they get no espect nowadays, but to let you in on a secret, respect is not something you can earn nor is it something you can demand, you have to feel it. If you cannae feel respect then you obviously do not warrant the respect that you deem yourself worthy of.

I apologise for anyone who reads this, but with reading this you earn my admiration and deserve a hug at the very least.

Feelings

Right its been a long while since I've been here to be honest its because I have been blooging in my mind, its like I have wallpapered my head with random scribbles of words that make no sense to anyone but me and only me. Almost mummified in a cocoon of my own thoughts. Its been an eventful time inside my head, less work means more time to think and more thinking isn't necessarily a good thing, most of the time it just means I have more time to get taffled up in my emotions. Normally love lust and fear, I find that I have been trying to fill in the void with false hopes that the one person I have feelings for might actually return the feelings, I can but hope. The scary thing is I don't even know if she has even thought about me in the same way I think of her. I have never felt like this its almost like she has the ability to make me feel like a child or teenager again, maybe thats why I like her so much?
I have had plenty of time to think about my fears aswell, slowly dissolving every one of my little fears into the facts that they are, almost analysing them just to eliminate the fear that I may have of them, but no matter what I can't get rid of this fear of rejection. If only I could find out if she does like me, but I can't ask because if she says no I will be crushed.
This is the downside of having such attractive friends that are not only insanely attractive but amazing people aswell. Damn if I could only find out.

A Card

What is it that makes people think that a card is enough to make people don't forget them?
At work we have a few peple leaving but for different reasons, I never understood it, its a piece of card folded in half with some fancy colours on it, and you pay a fortune for them when all you really need to do is not let the thing end.
Steph is leaving work this week, friday in fact, I think. So in true Argos style the management has paid for a card to say thanks, a measley card, what does it mean. I never understood traditions like that, its almost as if they think a simple card will make it all better atleast Steph said she wouldn't lose touch with me whilst she's away its kinda a big deal to me for someone to actually be nice enough to register my feelings and act on them.
Jade has been a godsend throughout it though, organising a whip-round and things so people can actually get something to remember us by and she has done something with her hair aswell, I'm not totally sure how to describe it but my god it does look amazing.
Anyway I'm in bed watching Dvds so I shall close down and shut myself down I could really do with the sleep for once!

Who?

Well to follow a tradition I had CHINESE FOOD again and whenever I do eat takeaway I write a new blog, I'm not sure why it works that way, maybe I have a strange reaction to sweet & sour or maybe its just a coincidence well fate bworks in ways like that.
Been thinking today, quite a bit more then normal I might add, but yeah thinking about my place in this mixture of molecules that we call a world or planet. So far I have worked out that I belong in no social grouping of any kind or even with the few friends I have got and I do mean a FEW(I'll be honest I was going to pun then in a feeble attempt to make you, the reader if anyone actually reads this, by saying few but spelling it as Phew as in phew I do have some friends (I did say feeble) but if you bunched me and all my friends together I would still stick out more then a sore thumb. I don't purposely try and stand out but its how I was brought up. It could be something to do with the fact I have very few male friends, infact I don't even need to take off my socks and shoes to count my male friends, that is a problem really.
I was told a few days ago by someone I used to be really close to that she thought I was gay due to the fact I actually give a shit about people and don't trreat women like objects, why is it that they always love the bad guys when all they really need is someone who they can talk to rather then F**K their brains out? Maybe I'm doomed to walk this world alone. Now thats a scary thought. Being alone.
So one day in (hopefully) the near future the people like me will get a look in on the supposed beautiful people and when that day arises I will reach out with both hands and grab my chance and maybe for once I won't miss.

Then again maybe missing is just my style!

Fat.

I will be honest with you, there are two types of fat the people who are so fat that they can't move and the people who have no willpower to lose the weight. I fit in to the latter, I'm not fat par se but I am rounded would be the least offensive way to put it. My whole family is fat, its genetic, only the people who care about them are either fatter or too polite to point it out.
I'll be the first to admit a little extra weight can look good on someone but as long as its in proportion with the rest of your body. Sometimes I even think certain people need to gain weight and trust me if I think a person needs a little meat on their bones I would tell them straight to their face without making it all flowery and I would want people to do the same to me. After all honesty is the best policy.
Yesterday I finsihed a hellish day at work, the only highlight was a five minute chat with a heavily pregnant friend of mine and I'll be honest she looks more beautiful now then she ever has done before, it might be the whole miracle of a life within hers or the fact that her boobs have got bigger but she really does look stunning, but back to the point, my brother is unemployed still so every couple of weeks he has to go sign on and then I get a lift with him back home from work. In fairness it is about a mile and a half-ih to my house so after a day at work to be driven home is quite nice, although for some reason known only to themselves my mom and sister decided to come in to town themselves, after walking around for what seems like an eternity we headed back to the car four stories up in a multifloor car-park and as soon as I got one leg in the car (yeah I get in legs first)if thats wierd then meh) I had a flash of the future.
Me in five or so years stuck on a sofa with it bowing under my weight, and I don't want that to happen so I closed the door quickly and told them I'd see them at home. Running down four flights of stairs really cleared my head and as soon as I got outside and exposed to the elements I realised how if I don't want to be fat I don't have to be, I don't mean I'm going to start going to a gym or anything like that but I will walk most places even if I have to use my poweRisers it doesn't matter because its good for me. So just so we know my sofa is safe as even now I'm on the roof just taking in the sunlight and thinking how no matter what you're doing its a good day in one way or another. And if you know anyone who is pregnant let them know just how beautiful they are because trust me they never get told enough how beautiful they really are you never know it might bring a smile to their face. And thats what really counts happiness.

I was going to finish this with something like peace out but I figure I should try to inspire you all with a simple thought, everyone has a little sunshine in them so even when its raining aslong as you are with people the sun never stops shining

Dream

I had a short day at the workplace today meaning I was home by lunch, so as per usual after a sandwich I dozed off on the sofa, a black leather sofa so my face stuck to it, but I always have strange dreams, thats why I remember them when I do.
But yeah ok I actually dreamed about two people I actually know one better then the other but it was nice, one was Steph and the other was Sam. Sam is this lass I met in the nicest little sandwich shop, its really expensive but hey its worth it just for the few seconds I get to spend talking with her. Sounds sucky I know but well she has a very soothing voice. She makes an awesome sandwich as well. I've never dreamt about her before but it was basically me asking about her bloke and she said "I'm single but..." and then started to cry so I changed the subject to cake and I made her smile, such a friendly smile and then I woke up and rolled over.
Quickly falling asleep again in an effort to catch the end of my dream however I started with a totally new one this involving Steph again a simple everday situation with just a short chat and a hug to finish off with but damn she gives good hug, maybe the next time I see her I should just hug her for no reason apart from she's my friend, but do you ever need more of a reason?
So its about time for me to roll over and watch futurama and laugh alot, hey everyone needs to laugh more its a good feeling!

I miss

I miss the way you make me feel,
I miss how your hair fans out when you quickly spin around,
I miss the way you drop everything just so we can chat,
I miss how the curve of your smile resembles my whole world,
I miss the fact that even when you aren't here it feels like you are,
I miss how even with a simple hello you brighten my day,
I miss the fact that all I want to do is hold you,
In fact I miss so much about you that all I need to say is,
I miss you.

Pizza

All this evening all I have been thinking is how much I would love to share a pizza with you!

Age, wisdom and birthdays

Its a strange thing age, it makes you feel bad about yourself, or it can make you feel really good about yourself. Me well I see age as a problem. I see it as a way of measuring how close you are to death. Maybe a way of judging wisdom or maybe its just a number.
It was my birthday today and its meant to be one of the biggies, you know 16, 18, 21. Yeah I'm now 21. aka old. It is a strange thing to feel old at such a young age but I do, I mean c'mon I have the wisdom of a 25 year old and the maturity of a twelve year old. But back to the matter at hand I hate birthdays, today for example I ended up cooking for the family, which isn't bad as I love cooking, but then to have the family turn it down after I'd cooked it and I didn't even get a happy birthday from my dad. He didn't even say hi. All I got from him was shut up and get off the floor!
To top off a generally shit day the best thing that happened was I got to stay in bed for an extra half hour. Whooo! If you didn't get the sarcasm then you don't know me very well.
Atleast I have anoth 365 days before I have to go throuhg it again, well thats a blessing. And I have the weekend to get out of hull and do whatever I want probably sleep rough.

sleep

Sleep is an essential part of life, it lets your body relax and rest but most important of all it lets your subconscious toil away with itself making every little thing you do all add to the importance of sleep. This bugs me as I have been struggling to sleep recently, and its been playing havoc with my emotions and throwing a spanner in my works. I know sleep patterns are useful but even when you stick to it it doesn't garantee actually sleeping but it does mean you have time to blog or even think about wether you really do love someone or you use them just to deflect the fear of being alone I suppose it could be used for other things like bonding with family or talking on the phone with friends but lets be honest if you had the choice of being in a comfy bed wrapped up in a duvet listening to prince and the revolution or being on the phone with a friend most people would opt for the bed everytime. I know I would! I like to be on my own when I'm sleeping, it doesn't matter where I'm sleeping I just like to be alone, I talk in my sleep you see. So even if I'm sharing a bed with someone who is an amazing person and just wants to cuddle then I don't care I'm going downstairs and sleeping in the bathtub JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ALRIGHT!!!

You might think that strange but life isn't all about sex. Well it is really, the continual struggle for remembrance is a powerful force. I'm sure thats what we do it for just so we don't get forgotten as quickly because I mean we all get forgotten eventually don't we I sometimes forget myself and just go into a daze.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that sleeping with people and sex is bad BUT I will say that whilst I was celibate I was a lot happier with my life and myself in general, I got closer to people I care about and found out who actually cares about me and to be honest its quite a small list only about 20 people in all and even then they don't know how messed up I actually am. I don't mean like in the way people act messed up to appear cool, becaue I'll tell you that isn't cool. Cool is being able to tell your parents that you love them and not find it amusing, cool is having the confidence to go up to that colleague and just tell them that sometimes they are the only reason that you manage to crawl out of bed and go to work, cool is knowing the difference between taking someone out for a meal in a resteraunt and both of you staying in and cooking together.
I will tell you a big secret though, I am not cool. To be honest I'm not even good-looking I bring very little to the mankind apart from being over sarcastic. I hide in the shadows and wait for the moment when I am most scared and then I run and hide, the only problem is where can you run when trying to hide from yourself.
I know what I am and my place in this world but I don't want to accept it I want to change but I'm scared that if I do change I'll lose all of my few good qualities and end up in a downward spiral.

Looks like I've got some thinking to do...

Two things...

if you know me at all then you'll know that there are two things I do to people, one is study them the other is to force them away when I feel that I'm falling for them. I'll be honest with you there is a lass at work, well I say a lass but what I actually mean is a stunningly attractive woman. (Lass makes me think of someone young.) Well I have been getting closer and closer with her, not on a physical basis but mentally and friendship-wise. I was let in on a pretty major secret before most of the ladies that she's close with and I was trying to be there in whatever way I could, monetary mostly but I was there as a friend.
Thats when it started to get strange, the more time I spent away from her the more I thought about her even to the point where she was featuring in my dreams, not in a pervy way, but in a cute cuddly way. I even spoke her name in my sleep which was to the dismay of the woman in my bed, to the point where she punched me in the nuts and shredded my tophat. That was the end of another short-term relationship!
Now I find myself not being able to get her out of my mind at all (the person from work not the one that shredded my hat) I have begun thinking more and more about her, but she seems to be trying to get back with her ex and me being the coward that I am haven't told her how I feel not even hinted at the idea. Now to stop my heart from hurting so much I am being ignorant and a twat to her just so I can feel that there is no chance of anything happenning between the two of us, I know its a shitty thing to do but hey if I don't stop my heart hurting then I'll go insane or more insane then I am already.
So if that person has actually read this I hope you understand why I am doing what I'm doing but if it helps ease any kind of pain I have caused just know that you mean more to me then anyone else has done in the past few years.
On my knees hoping you'll understand.
Sorry!