For. Ashleigh.

I have copied this from my other blog so that you can see it on either just in case you venture upon my ramblings again, I hope you read this but I can't make you, and I know once you have made your mind up it can't be changed but I would rather you know the reasons why I am how I am.

Here I am, opening up and trying to explain some of my less than normal quirks. So here goes. If you know me you know that when I was growing up I was involved in a fire, our wooden shed was set alight whilst I was in it, I got out unhurt physically, mentally I'm a little damaged from it, yeah I now have a fairly good respect for fire and messed up claustrophobia unless I am upside down. Ever since then I have some really bad, not so much panic attacks, but more like scared moments where I get a little too comfortable in a place. I need to get outside and just clear my head. Now if you didn't know that its because I don't often feel safe enough to tell people, but as I am in trouble now for being scared I figured you should all know.
Right on to another quirk, I don't say bye when on the phone, yeah that is kind of rude. And I am sorry if it offends, but the word bye scares the crap out of me. Its a final thing. You say bye I think you aren't going to be coming back, yeah maybe its a little stupid but people often say bye and then leave, forever. Not to return. So I don't say bye to people, not family, not to friends, hell not even to customers when I am at work, just in case they don't come back. If people don't come to buy stuff then I am out of a job. That scares me too.
But I can't tell you that to your face, not because I don't have the balls to do that, but because then you don't look at me the same way, you no longer have the smile on your face, you see me as a scared little kid. A kid that I have tried to leave so very far behind. So far behind that I don't get to see him that often, but to be as vulnerable as that again is something I can't do. Yeah I'm scared but not of the things you would expect, but the little things that I shouldn't be scared of, things like my past, and losing people that I care about, and even if you don't think or feel that I do, I care about you enough to not see me as that scared little kid.

I'm sorry I know that doesn't mean much and you don't have to accept it but if I get to see you again I'd like to tell you to your face that I am sorry.

An escape

I love to read, from comics to classic literature. I will read anything. It offers me an escape from....well....me, the simple fact is there is a lot I would like to change about myself, from the way I walk to my fear of completing my ideas. There is so much I idolise from my fave characters, things I emulate, and the things I wish I could do myself. Now I aren't after the ability to punch through solid concrete or anything like that, just the ability to follow my convictions. Today for example I would have loved to do what I thought about doing but I can't  force myself into taking that risk. It was only a kiss.Why couldn't I do that?!?

Paper. Flowers.

So I have been quitting things a lot recently, nothing bad but my dependance on sugar, and love of junk food. I end up in a predicament where I need to replace vices so I have re-taken up origami. Nothing too hard yet but if you want a bouqet of lillies and tulips get me a load of paper in the colours you require and then give me a little time and you will have a glorious bunch of paper flowers.
I know you are ment to get flowers for the people you love and care about but as I work part time I can't afford to go out and spend £60 on flowers on a whim, but I can make loads of paper ones which costs time and when you think about it time is more precious than money, so surely when the choice is between going to a florist and asking for a cliche bunch of flowers (roses anybody?) or making the time to make a bouqet the choice should be fairly simple answer. Yeah I would take the expensive florist any day but then I may start smoking again and I am over 3 years without a cigarette, for you see I have a short attention span. You may not realise this as I seem to spend a while typing these ramblings every so often but if I arent twiddling with something I easily get distracted. Some people consider this rude but I can focus all my senses onto a person if my fingers are busy.
Yeah erm there was a point to this blog which I am rapidly trying to remember, nope its not coming back. But if you want any paper flowers making give me a shout!

I'm. Slippers.

Yeah I know its another of my rubbish titles, but hey its my blog I will start it how I want. I have heard about this survey done about how you can judge a person by their choice in footwear, and I apparently because I wear practical boot for the distance I walk everyday, well that means I am an angry person, so arrrghhh, sorry thats not angry enough ARRRGHHH. Is that angry enough for you? Personally I think the survey is a load of bollocks, but it did get me thinking about how people are like shoes. I have worked out that the shoe I most closely resemble is a slipper.
Its really not as crazy as you may be thinking, ok I can tell you raised an eyebrow so let me explain, you have the outgoing people who are trainers, thats an obvious one, the booze monkeys are either broken high heels or brown loafers, the cautious people are safety shoes, music lovers are wellies and the the free spirited are barefoot. So what does that make me?
Well slippers is the best answer, I mean how many of you beautiful people out there in the whole wide interweb are wearing slippers? I bet not many of you, you see slippers are the forgotten footwear, in this day and age when everything is rushed, fast food, fast cars, and fast women (and for the ladies(fast men), we don't have time for slippers. You forget how special they make you feel, the fact that you can just put on a comfy pair of slippers and forget everything that has happened that day. Try it go on. What I do that stops me from being a bare foot is I can make someone feel really special and then when they forget about me I don't complain as I know that it won't be long before they think about that comfy pair of slippers but after you have one comfy pair no matter how many more you try it won't ever be as comfy as that first pair of slippers.

So take a minute and think what shoes are you?

Not. Often.

Its not too often that I find someone who makes me believe in myself, in fact throughout my life I can think of only three, and as much as I would like to name them I hope they realise who they are and don't need to be named. The downside is wheneer I meet someone I can tell how they are going to affect my life, it does mean sometimes I let people go when I shouldn't, when they have such a positive effect on me I try to keep them around for as long as I can but then if I try too hard to keep them near by they have a tendancy to flee. I'm used to it. Not a good thing I will admit. And thats one of the reasons I don't like people. Often when relying on people they let you down. Although you should not let my bitterness influence the way you deal with people I would suggest excersizing some caution when you meet someone new, I learnt this the hard way, If you open up people will think you're strange, so from that you should never open up to anyone until they have declared you an important part of their life.

Thats where I go wrong, I aren't important to anyone.

Repeating. Mistakes.

Hey its me again, you know that sad lonely guy who stays in on a friday night instead of going out drinking  or playing games online. How are you? Good, glad to hear it, so its seems like ages since I have spoken with you its almost a month. Seems a shame really because of how close we are, but then again absense makes the heart grow fonder. Wait a second I am rambling again, you know I talk when I get nervous. So quick start a new paragraph.
Well as you can tell its a friday night again and I am alone on my sofa, having just got in from a ..... well hmmm how would I describe it... I suppose the walk was nice but the pre-cursor wasn't as pleasent, as per the norm I have been trying to let my heart rule over my head and its left me feeling disappointed. Well there is a suprise!
If you have been reading these blogposts for the past few months you will know that what I do is often based on solid judgement and not felt. I think everything instead of just going on a whim, its something I have trained my self to do. its quite an awkward skill as it means I miss out on oppertunities that I then come to regret, take tonight for instance, I walked roughly a mile and a half to see someone when they finished work. A semi normal thing to do I would believe, I like the walk and in all honesty  I could do with the exercise as I have been getting a bit of a tummy recently. I like this lass that I went to see as she makes me smile to ear to ear. The downside is I can't stand her, she irritates me more than anyone should be able to, and she is incredibly attractive and she pretends that she doesn't know but you can tell she understands fully. This makes it even worse, I aren't even sure why I like her, but I do. I spoke to friends about it and some claim that I may even be love, if that is true then fate really is a mean spirited bitch.
I understand people quite well for a guy who is only twenty four, I can work out what makes them tick and what really gets them annoyed. That said I can't get my head round her at all, she is everything I would love in life but she also is everything I hate about people. That may seem quite a harsh thing to say but I assure I say it with little to no regret, she is a bonafide bitch.
She knows exactly how I feel and yet she plays on that, maybe this is a good thing as I would love to have someone who can challenge me, not to a duel or something but I would love to have an arguement with someone who wouldn't back down or try and resolve it with sex. So then there is that problem, I can't argue with her as she doesn't trust me enough yet. Thats something that gets to me aswell. I trust by instinct, I can tell if I can trust someone within  about five minutes of meeting them, I am a good judge of character since the incident with the ex. Its one of my many defense mechanisms.
I could argue that that is where my life falls apart, I protect from anything and everything, hardly anyone has my number, even less people know where I live and if you don't count workmates hardly anyone even knows my name. That is why it is so easy for me to disappear. I simply don't care about you unless you are important to me.
So thats what I am working on now, trying to like people. Sounds easy doesn't it, thats where you are wrong, people are generally bastards!

Fair't. Middling.

NOt sure how well that phrase is known around the world but it basically means round-a-bout average. I sums me up quite well. I aren't that athletic, or good looking or even that good of a person. In all off these I would class myself as fair t' middling. Its a posistion I have grown up in. I have never been the biggest or brightest, I was always inbetween, it worked. I am still around otherwise how would I be writing this? But now that I have reached a ripe old age I am starting to realise that average isn't what people want. People always want more. More of everything. So the average joe doesn't stand a chance. You may think that I am being all melodramatic but take a look around, you can see it everywhere. Sadly I don't see this changing any time soon. People in general cannot help themselves if there is something slightly better on offer then they want it. I for one can't fault that attitude, it makes sense get the best you can with what you have got. Sometimes though in some areas of life you won't ever get the best but what you get can be the best you ever have.
I like people, sorry forget that I like strangers is the more apt way of phrasing it. Strangers judge on what they can see as it is all they have to judge by and boy do people like to judge. I don't make a good first impression with the way I look but I would class myself as a decent person. I can make anyone feel good about themselves, and make people feel welcome, a phenomenon I don't often get to see from the other side.
I have learnt to not show much emotion, not because its a sign of weakness but because if people see you sad then they ask why, and I don't need people reminding me that I aren't the happiest of bunnies, I do like to smile though. Lots of people don't see me smile that much because I am apparently quite a miserable person. Bu I know what I like and want in life. I want to be wanted, not to be needed. I have skills that I use to make other peoples lives easier and I am always willing to help in any way that I possibly can. Although there is a fine line to walk in this respect, you can be the guy who sorts everything out for everyone else (commonly known as a MUG) or you can be the friend. and thats what annoys me.